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Livejournal is just about deceased, but I feel like writing some sort of an update because I've been hermiting and I just wanted to make a "hey there, I'm alive and well, I miss and love everyone, this is what I'm up to now" sort of entry.  Since I wrote last, I've graduated cosmetology school, got my temp licence to legally caress peoples head moles and growths, and I just started working as an assistant at Salon Eleganza in gates. So far so good on everything, I know that I'm going to learn a lot there and though its somewhat intimidating because everyone that works there is like a family already and I have a lot to prove to them, I think I'm going to do dece there. It feels good to have worked so hard and to see that work slowly start to pay off. Basically, if anyone needs their hairs did, I should be ready to do them in a month! :)

I've recently stoped being a single girlfraand after a long and much needed dry spell with relationships. I can honestly say that at this point in time, he was much worth the wait. Its taken me a long time to let all my bullshit go, and to just let myself be with someone and not worry about all of the other details. We get along so well, I can't even picture fighting with him and hes one of the most genuine people I've ever met. Its a breath of fresh air to be around someone that wants nothing more than to just enjoy being happy with you. Theres no jealousy, no idea of ownership or property, its exactly what I've wanted and needed for so long. Needless to say, I'm very happy and greatful and I don't want to take that for granted.

I think I've looked at life through the wrong perspective for a long time. It takes more than a day to change the way you think and feel about things, but today I really sat down and thought about how I've been acting and its really ridiculous. I have so much, I have so many reasons to be happy, and here I am, acting down for no real reason. I need to refocus on these things that I have, because they're wonderful and they deserve to be looked at and appreciated. I feel myself slowly being able to live the way that I used to and I'm greatful for that because there were days that I never thought I'd feel like that again.I need to start making an effort again, and I know I'm the only person holding myself back.

In many ways, for many reasons, I know that these sort of entries are meant more for a personal journal. I just feel like I'm so closed up about the way I feel about things, and I try my best to act like nothing is wrong with me, or that I'm just having one of those days. I just really feel like I don't have anyone to talk to, and in a way, writing in here feels better because its almost like opening up to someone even if it isn't anyone in particular. I haven't felt the way I've felt the past year or so since I was little. I've struggled with depression for a long time, and I know that isn't something that everyone believes in, and thats okay, but I know that just feeling sad is different. Feeling sad can be resolved in a day, a matter of minutes, theres always a solution. I feel like theres a weight on me and its dibilitating.  I get up and I do things because I have to do them. I go to school and I don't say much, I just try to get what I need to get done finished. I go to work and all I think about is how fast I can get everything done so that I can leave as soon as possible. I have to put myself on auto-pilot  for the day because if I don't I know I'll completely break down. I used to love being around people and now I can't take it. I can't connect to people anymore, and thats all I think about when I'm around them. I try to think as little as possible, and because I'm so mindless I don't have anything to talk about that has to do with my feelings. If we've ever talked and you wonder why all you hear about is something school or work related, thats why. The entire time I talk to someone I'm constantly asking myself why I can't just go back to being how I was. I think about the fact that I'm different, and the fact that I know people see this about me. The fact that I want to be there for people I used to be good friends with but I feel like I can't even take care of myself and it makes me feel so guilty. I feel like I don't have much to offer anyone. I don't see my friends much anymore, its hard for me to be around them. The same goes for my family. My mom is always gone, I see her briefly in the morning. I haven't seen my dad since april and I haven't talked to him in maybe a month. Being in this house that I grew up in is really difficult. This is where I felt like I had a family, and everything about it now feels so empty. I want to be alone all the time, but being here makes me feel worse and I know I'd feel better if I lived anywhere else, anywhere new, because I have memories here that I can't get away from and I feel like I'm always living in the past and what I used to have. I feel like I have nothing to come home to.  I don't know why its so hard for me to let go of things. I haven't felt this alone in a really long time and I don't like admitting that.I always thought I was stronger and that I had some control over feeling like this. I think the stress of needing to do well is getting to me, I feel like I need to achieve something functionally before I can make myself feel better.Basically if I've come across as mean or aggrivated with anyone, please don't take it personally, I have a lot of things that I need to work on with myself and its no one elses fault but my own.

It's intersting to think of how much control the weather has over the way that we feel. I can think so much clearer when its warm outside, that looks so dumb written out, but seriously. I feel like I just came out of the fucking womb when the weather's like this.  All the things I've complained about or worried over the past few months seem petty. I haven't given myself the time to enjoy simple aspects of life, and I definitely believe that happiness is at its most real when found through simplicity. I think I make my life more complicated than it needs to be. I'm constantly rushing around, I don't sleep as much as I should, I'm at school all day, I work nights and weekends, and all of this is common for someone at this age, but its so easy to lose who you are in all of it. I want so much to be successful at what I want to do with the rest of my life that I don't allow myself to think of much else besides learning as much as I can. I think this is good in some ways, but in other ways it makes me feel unlike myself. I guess I just don't ever want to forget the things I love in life. Anyone can retain information, and anyone can be good at something if they work hard at it. I can honestly say I've never worked so hard or put so much into something in my life as I have with hair school. I try not to think about anything else when I'm there, I feel like that may take away from the better parts of the experience, I just have trouble balancing work with relaxing, its usually either one or the other for me. I have big dreams for when I leave school, I want to work here in rochester for awhile but the main goal is to leave and start somewhere new. I like that I can call rochester home, but I feel like its more of the same here and I'm completely living in the past. I need something new, I want to be somewhere that makes me feel the way that I feel at this time of the year when the weather begins to get warmer all the time. I never want to stop experiencing new things. I know that its a long term goal, but I'm so determined to make it happen.

I need a day off. Just ah day will do.

My nostrils are bald. Basically, what I'm trying to get at is that if you haven't done it before, get your nose hairs waxed. The feeling will set you free.

I started thinking about phobias a few minutes ago. What triggered this is that I just stumbled across a picture of the moon and got fucking shivers. Like I'm creeped out thinking about it and I don't know why. I thought planets were legit as a child, I wasn't like "OHMYGODPLAAAAANNNNNNEEEETSSS<3!!!!!!!!" but I mean, I didn't have anything against them. In fact I always kind of liked Jupiter, and recently I even felt legitimately sympathetic for pluto because people don't consider it a planet anymore, which I still think is bullshit, Pluto really made the line of main planets feel conclusive. Maybe thats why I have this fear actually, because Pluto isn't part of the line-up anymore and it makes space feel all the more infinate. I mean thats a deeply routed meaning, but in all actuallity I think this fear is all Google Earth's fault. I won't lie I have an irrational fear of Google Earth. The first time I ever clicked on that earth and saw it spin around and zoom in I was seriously paralyzed. I couldn't breathe, I started sweating, my stomach flipped over like a nervous untrusting girlfriend's does when she finds out her boyfriend is cheating on her, and I shit you not I had a small tear of fear in my left eye. It makes me legitimatly naucious to think about. I think I'm more scared of watching Google Earth in action than I am of seeing a cenipede 2 inchs from my face. I don't know what that really says about me as a person, but I feel like it kind of says a lot.

I'm also scared of deep sea creatures. The ones that reside at the bottom of the ocean, in areas deep enough to where the light doesn't dare shine through. Electric fish live there...and I'm sorry...but how are they electric. How is that physically and scientificly possible? You don't see my skin just lighting up when it feels like it. How could you not think thats scary? I'm pretty sure their eye sockets (that never close because fish are creepy and God for some reason decided that they shouldn't have eye lids) even light up, and I'm not positive about this because I haven't watched the discovery channle since seeing one of those fish, and I  would look it up on google to make sure I'm right about it,but just like everyone else,  I'd reaaally like to sleep tonight, so I'm just going to assume their eyes light up too.

I mean think about it though, there was a fish in like japan that popped up on the surface of the water, (in pure daylight mind you, this isn't even in the deepest parts of the ocean) and it had a fucking humans face. I promise you I'm not kidding look it up on youtube. It has a nose that i'd actually die for and if I ever get plastic surgery, I'm bringing that picture of the fish in for my nose job because I want its nose. Its eyes have human depth an shape. Its cheekbones are defined. And its mouth....it could seriously be a lipstick model for Avon or Covergirl...I fuck you not...its shaped that humanly.

And lets stick to the basics....eels. These are commonplace sea creatures but they're fucking terrifying. Lets break them down shall we? They have the face of a grandmother thats seen too much pain in her life and is tired to death from all of her aquired wisdom. Placed inside its face are Will Ferrel's beady eyes. They sometimes have like fin mowhawks, and just imagine that on a human grandma...thats scary in and of itself. They light up, they have vampire fangs poking out of their wrinkled mouths. And....where the fuck...is their body. Its just one big piece of meat with no fins. no. fins. How does that nothing body support the most terrifyingly detailed face ever seen on a creature? Its got more depth and scare quality than any humans face and its supported on a lazy slab of meat body. I actually ate a sushi eel roll before, maybe to get over my fear. I shit you not, chicken doesn't taste dead to me, cow is superb, but eel...it tastes like your eating a body thats been rotting in the hot sahara sun for 12 hours then steamed for 5 minutes over a legit source of cooking heat, like an oven for instance. Its so fucking disgusting, I had to coach my mind through it because it was too expensive not to eat and in a way, it was like a car wreck. I couldn't turn away from how terrible its flavor was. I've never tasted anything sooooo fucking dead and lifeless in my life. I can't talk about it anymore. So moving on...

I'm still deathly afraid of the Baton Rouge-Shake Your Soul album cover. My sister and I used to both be afraid of it when we were little and we'd steal it from my dad's cd collection and run around shoving it in each others faces when we'd get pissed at one another. At some point in this angry game, someone would start crying and basically whoever cried from the album cover first won the fight. My dad thought it was funny to chase us into the corner of our backroom with the cd cover. That was the first time in my life that I legitimatly felt an adreniline rush and almost broke through the window just to get away from that cd cover. I haven't seen it in years and I don't ever want to see it again. It's presence in my dreams are more than enough.

I'm scared of needles too, thats pretty common though. To this day I ask the doctor to send my mom in when I'm getting shots and the nurse has to knock on the door to tell me shes comming in so that I can close my eyes and not see the needle at all. If I watch them pull it out I feel the need to run, and I really hate running a lot.

Lastly...earth worms.  Their exsistance doesn't make sense, they're a-sexual and they don't fuck other worms, they just kind of form from themselves. They therefore have no relatives, they're just kind of pieces and I don't trust that. They swim around in the dirt and somehow their soft gooey almost liquidated bodies are able to push through pounds and pounds of dirt. They don't make any noises but if they did I feel like they'd make a gurggling sound. If you cut them up, your just doing them a favor because they apparently have 9 hearts so your basically just making kids for them. They're blind and yet they curl themselves upward like prarie dogs trying to see something even though they can't fucking see. I know they don't have feelings, I just know it. I don't know if they even have brains. They smell like wet dogs when it rains and they don't even have the fur or hair that a dog has in order to create that smell, they're fucking baldies. I'm seriously getting sick talking about them.

These are basically all the phobias that on a daily basis I try not to think about and just felt the need to vent about after seeing that picture of a moon. So I mean, I'm sorry to anyone that had to read it, but I actually feel better.

I forgot livejourn exsisted for like a month and just remembered it now and I won't lie, I'm kinda stoked on it.

I've had insomnia the past few days due to christmas stress and maybe a side of P.M.S. Like I won't lie, I've been freaking out lately and I'm taking it out on other people...in short I've been a scumbag. I was told today that I'll be working as little as 5 hours a week at H&M because they have to split 76 hours between 8 people and my availability isn't very comprible with the hours that I need to put in for school in January. So I'm thinking, shit, I have car payments to make, I have to pay for my  food, my gas, etc. and 5 hours a week doesn't really cover that. I think its about that time to start looking for another job as much as I hate to say it, I just really need to be more finacially secure than this because my parents aren't in any position themselves to help me even a little bit.  This economy is scary and its weird to me to just kind of see people pretend it isn't happening. They're lucky, I'm pretty jealous of those people I can't lie, must be nice.

I miss christmas as a child. When your a kid you didn't have to care about anything else and you actually looked forward to christmas. Now you count down the days because you just want to get it over with. I now understand why my mom asked for "peace of mind" as a present every year. I used to think she was weird, because as a child you can't wrap your mind around the idea of someone not wanting something tangible but now I completely get where shes comming from. I have christmas with my dad tomarrow and I just never know how I'm going to feel or react when I see him, so I'm more nervous than anything about it. I just know that I need to keep a good face in front of him no matter what because its christmas and I know what he wants more than anything is for everything to be "normal" and pretend like nothings changed. I wish we didn't have to pretend these things, but life happens and there are things that we need to simply face and deal with. So instead of pointing out any negatives, I'll say that theres a great deal of me thats simply happy that I get to see him, and that should be enough to make tomarrow worth it.

In much better news, a 40 year old woman walked into H&M today, made a b-line for the ladies section, droped trou, took a huge runny shit, wiped her ass with a shirt, and covered the pile of shit with the shirt she used to wipe with. The survalence camera shows her hand her purse to what we assume to be her daughter before she made the treck to the ladies section, so basically, her actions were 100 percent planned. I guess she didn't even look around to see if anyone was watching, she shat where anyone could have seen her. I'm so speechless, grossed out....and honestly more than anything...so. fucking. impressed. Think about it, this lady didn't even think to look around. There was no inner moral battle going on in her head telling her that maybe, just maybe, she could be arrested for what she was doing. She walked in with a definate plan in her head and did her thing. I mean, honestly a part of me wants to shake this lady's clean hand for leaving her christmas gold on the floor and for following through with something that most people say they would do only figuratively speaking.

Aside from any rants, I genuinely hope everyone enjoys their christmas.

"extasy? really? that shtuffs still aroun'? gahd thats horrible. it's awful to see people get into that stuff, its worse than acid! Its sad to see people addicted to coke, and PCP,  and angel hair." - Cindy Moriarty

....according to my mom people can apparently be addicted to pasta now. Gaahd loveher.

This Saturday I was supposed to go to a points reduction class because I'm an idiot and I speed like it wahinnuthin. Well this shit took place in Penfeild and my mom is like "oh mee gah kerry, seriously it'll take you 30 mins tops, but you'll be okay leaving 20 minuets before you have to be there." Since she stressed this, I felt like I had time to slob around. I decided to drink coffee even though I knew I'd be dead no matter what at 9 in the morning.....and I shit you not, out of any decision I've ever made in my life...like to date, this is the biggest mistake I've ever made.
After drinking my coffee I started up my car and began my trip. As I drove,  I happily looked at the arrival time of 8:57 am on the GPS and felt so great to know I was going to make it right on time. So as I'm singing along to Sam Cooke's A change gon' come, like I'm some freed african slave, I feel my stomach gurgle. At first I was like alright whatever, I'll just fart silently in this class, I'm never going to see any of these assholes again in my life, I don't really care if the only thing they remember me by is the fact that I was the girl who farted her dick off in this class.  Anyway, so I'm thinking I'm going to be okay and that God's just kind of trying to tell me in a subtle way that I'm not a nubian princess and I should stop singing this song like I am one, so I won't lie, I changed the song, thought it might have been bad luck. It only took the small amount of time for me to change the song to realize that I wasn't going to be okay. In one split second my entire stomach fell like a fucking avalanch onto my asshole. I started praying to not shit my pants, I couldn't focus on where I was going, I was sweating, I had tunnle vision, I forgot what I was doing and who I was.I was so close to getting out of my car and shitting on the sidewalk, like honestly, at that point it just seemed logical. Finally I saw a wegmans and I ran in, and of course, as I run into the bathroom stall every grandma in the store comes in to the bathroom. I knew it was going to be a dumb and dumber-esque shit so I'm sweating and praying that they just leave at this point. Of course, this lady in the next stall is talking to herself and she keeps saying "oh um mmm mHHm okayyee" as shes peeing the slowest pee I've ever heard. I never knew a person could seriously pee slow. I half wanted to shit right then and there to ruin her day but I had a feeling she'd talk to herself about me pooping and I just got too self concious to do it. So I wait for this asshole to leave, and shes washing her hands and coughing up mucus like its physically okay to do that while looking at herself in the mirror. As soon as she left....explosion. 15 minutes of the most reckless shitting. After this episode I leave the bathroom like I just got out of a sauna, I'm sweating my ass off, and I go to this place where the class is. The lady snapped my kneck in two with words and told me it was disrespectful of me to be late and that I had to reschedule. I really wished at that point that I still had to shit so that I could shit on the crooked stupid ass finger she was pointing in my face while scolding me. So long story short, I basically drove to penfeild at 9am just to take a wild shit in the wegmans bathroom while listening to some old faggot coach herself through peeing.....this shit would only happen to me. Moral of the story, don't drink coffee before going to a place where being on time truly matters. It's a breeding ground for regrets.

BARACK OBAMA. THANK YOU GODDD.

I was almost just as hesitant to begin reading the Twighlight series as  I was Harry Potter. However, sure enough, just like Harry, I'm completely sucked in. I started the first book yesterday and finished it last night, caring not even an ounce about the fact that I was balls deep in this book from sun up to sun down. I don't know if these authors have any idea what they're doing to people. Or how its possible to be so obsessed with a fictional story. I'm so jealous of this broad and this vampire. Like where can I find a vampire like that. Wheres my vampire. 
Anyway, in a stupid way,  it made me remember that I liked the idea of love and I've been such a guy lately about that sort of thing that its nice to know I still enjoy the thought of it.

Suprise Suprise I dyed my hair. Honestly though my hair is so red. It's scary clown ass red. It's going to scare small children. I look like I need a fire crotch to match it. For some reason, I'm okay with all of the above.

I also put sunless tanner "gradual" lotion on my skin. Mistake in a bottle. It smells like roses when it goes on and balls with lemon juice sprinkled on them when it sets in. I look like I have a blotchy skin disease and I'm going to have to scrub my skin until I don't have skin anymore. I don't really care about the look of it but the smell is fucking out of this world. I want to write to the asshole who made this shit. Like I know the guy must have meant well, saving people from tanning salons to save their skin, but I'm in my own personal hell right now. I'd rather my flesh be searing under a bulb brewing with skin cancer than have my entire body smell like ball sac.

I'm going to shower until the end of time but maybe I'll write more in another few months or so.

So I just signed online for the first time in like a year (alright thats kind of a lie, I was on this shit yesterday, but its always only for 2.5 seconds) and I was casually strolling through music on myspace, I decided to click the eye open on aim, so basically I was "letting my hair down" in an online sense, feeling safe and calm, when some shitbag sends me a message. I should have went with my first instinct and clicked no to the unknown IM but I was feeling careless today and decided this person might be good to fuck with for awhile. Little did I know, they wanted to fuck with me. So this douchetroop asks me if the link to my myspace is mine, and I was like fucckk yehhh!!!!, not thinking anything of it like some stupid 16 year old. And he's like okay, either you do whatever I tell you to, or in 30 seconds I'm hacking your computer, if you block me, i'll hack, you choose, but you only have 30 seconds......and he started counting down from 30. Now perhaps this was an empty threat of sorts, but being the nerd slash skiddish asshole that I am, I cancled my myspace so fucking fast my heart was pounding out of my chest, only to find out that it takes 48 hours to cancel your myspace, so I deleted as much as possible from it in hopes that this fuck a) doesn't hack my shit and b) hunt my ass down and kill me. 

But honestly though...who does that. Your so bored that you really want to hack my boring ass computer. As long as he doesn't kill me, I guess I'm kind of okay with it. 


Anyway, I haven't updated in some time. Not much has been going on besides the fact that I've been looking like a sweaty 10 year old with food wedged in the corners of her mouth like it isnt gross. Basically I'm unkempt and loving it. 

I'll writing something with a point to it one of these days, but until then I'll just be hiding out from hackers.

1. How old will you be in five years?
25...but if you don't count the one month thats holding back my birthin' day, 26

2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
Jim Blockbuster.

3. How tall are you?
5'4 perhaps?

4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
birthin' day i suppose

5. What's the last movie you saw in theaters?
charlie barlett! its so much funnier than it looks, and I wish I knew a charlie bartlett

6. Who was the last person you called?
marm

7. Who was the last person to call you?
matt

8. What was the last text message you received?
some shit about passing out on a couch

9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail?
casey p. moriarty because he likes to leave me voicemails all day to tell me where he is at that exact moment. I wouldnt be surprised if he called and told me he was taking a shit, the number i could reach him at when hes still on the toilet and a separate number telling me where I could reach him when he's off

10. Would you rather call or text?
text, because you can text wherever you are.

11. Are you going to give out your cell number here?
ahh well why the fuck not sure.

are you crazy?

12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
divorced

13. When is the last time you saw your mom?
today :) she made me homemade mac with those fucking bread crums. i cried tears of joy.

15. Have you ever been to a concert?
why shorely

16. What are you wearing right now?
ae jeans that..well...to be honest with you just don't fit quite right (i have such regret about buying them but thats neither here nor there) and some flowy shirt with green flowers, man socks(don't know where they came from but I feel like i'm wearing a bear's feet right now)


18. Where is your favorite place to be?
outside when it's warm out, when my nips aren't falling off from the cold

19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
mexico
just fuckin' I've never been to mexico

truthfully, probably the doctors office

20. Africa-New Zealand-Japan?
Japan for sure

21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
I really don't know, but hopefully somewhere awesome

22. Do you tan or burn?
more of a burn at first, then I start to tan and look like I'm made out of leather boots

23. What did you fear as a child?
-needles. still the biggest of fears.
-the dark because my eyes would play tricks on me and I'd think I'd see giant bumble bees flying at my face. I think I'm so stupid for that, because the bumble bees looked like they were made out of fucking paper mache. they looked like old japanese horror film bumble bees.
-my uncle david and when he used to throw his fist up in my face and growl "knuuuuckkleee saaandwichhhhh" it made me cry so hard.

24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
some small lady walking into blockbuster...because I just didnt expect it. she opened the door with the might of an older lady, and walked in a wrinkley child.

25. How many TV's do you have in your house?
4

26. How big is your bed?
twinny. i have to get seventeen magazine sheets for 14 year old girls because no one wants to make nice comforters or sheets for a twin bed.

27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
desktop geeyness.

28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
I dress like a mountain man when I go to sleep  I'm not taking the chance of being cold, miserable and too lazy to get up to change that.

29. What color are your sheets?
brown. guess ill never have to worry about being embarassed to shit the bed right?

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
I have like a million on my bed, but I really don't sleep on them

31. Whats your favorite season?
fall and summer

32. what do you like about fall?
the foliage. its a season that doesn't stick around for long and its gorgeous, I don't know, theres something kind of standout about that.

33. What do you like about winter?
fucking nothing....not a thing....I want to puke thinking about winter.

34. what do u like about the summer?
its warm out, its light all the time, days seem to go on forever. its one of those months where time kinda stands still

35.What do you like about the spring?
birthdays. and the fact that it feels like your being fucking born again after being shut in for the winter.  

What instant messenger service do you use?
AIM

37. How is your hair currently?
red and down.

38. Are you wearing shoes?
man sock

39. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
ummm well if vitamin water counts, then like 1 of those. haha efff water, gimme the fuggin jucey juice please.

40. What do you drink in the morning?
so initally i thought that question was "what do you do first in the morning?" and i was going to say take a dump...I kinda wish that were the question because honestly, i dont drink anything in the morning and i feel gross about it.

41. Do you eat breakfast?
cliff bars <3

42. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
like lisa said, its hard on a twin. there isn't any sides on a twin. your just kinda there on this thin piece of bed.

43. Do you know how to play poker?
no honestly i really dont but i love to watch it on tv. i half understand whats going on and i call hands and shit but like i really dont know for sure whats going on, i think i like watching it because its fun to guess

44. Do you like to cuddle?
lovee itt

45. Do you like hugs or kisses?
both

46. Favorite TV show?
oh meh gee.
i dont know theres so many, probably sex in the city though

47. Do you eat dinner out or at home more often?
out, i'm always on the go (I feel like someone would say that line in a movie about wild motor cyclers...ehhhh gett muhh food on thee goo)

48. Whats your favorite restaurant?
Applebees. I agree with lisa

49. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
this kid i met at  a party who im scared of and refused to add or deny as a friend on facebook because im scared that somehow he'll find out i denied him and he'll find and kill me, and im scared that if i accepted him he'll look up all my information, find me, and kill me in my sleep. so i really could care less about the fact that its "cool" we have the same birthday.

50. Do you want kids?
i used to not want to because kids hate me. but im falling in love with them and i would love to have them someday

51. Have you ever been to a live television show taping?
um apparently i was on the fucking news when i was at blockbuster, and I was recorded cheesing my face off saying "have a nice night :) !!!" to a customer with my polo tucked into my highwater kakhis. ughh awful.

52. Have you ever gotten stitches?
yeah i fell on my fucking face. that sucked.

53. Have you ever ridden in a fire truck?
only in my dreams

54. Do you prefer the ocean or a pool?
i love them both for different reasons

55. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat?
window

56. Do you know how to drive a stick?
fuccck noo

57. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
clothes

58. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
earings. 

59. Do you wish on 11:11?
11:11 just makes me wanna talk. its not hard to dream you'll always be my constantine.

60. Do you get easily embarrassed?
not at all. but weird things embarass me.

61. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
a few here and there

62. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
seal-kiss from a rose. whenever old ladys hear it in department stores they smile at me knowingly like they're proud.

63. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
yeah i had this paramont picture shirt  from when i was like 6, but the last time i tried to wear it was in 4th grade..i didn't realize 9 years old and six years old are a  little different. long story short i snapped my neck in two trying to put it on.

64. What orange object is closest to you right now?
a deodorant stick?

65. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth
nah shits gotta be on.

66. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
closed, i dont know what the fucks lurking in there when its open.

67. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
give me the bear. bees fuck my shit up.

68. Do you have a car?
a beetle. that keeps getting flat tires.

69. Are you driving?
are you crazy? im on the computer for fucks sake.

70. Do you pump your own gas?
yes

71. Can you change the oil on a car?
fucck no

72. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
yeah, crying doesnt work for shit. the more i cried the madder he got.

73. Have you ever ran out of gas while in a car?
no im neurotic about gas.

74. What is your usual bedtime?
2am

75. What was the last book you read?
"the girl next door" jack ketchum. most fucked up book in the world. if you read it you'll puke.

76. Do you read the newspaper?
every once in a bluebie.

77. Do you read magazines?
at work

78. What do you fear most?
needles slash doctors.

79. Do you dance in the car?
oh gawd yes. the best dances are born in the car.

80. What radio station did you last listen to?
warm 101.3

81. Who is in the picture frame closest to you?
aqua teen hunger force... thats pretty sad.

82. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?
i cant remember a worded note but i remember drawing a bunny with glasses

83. What is your favorite candle scent?
apple :)

84. What is your favorite board game?
scatagories. haaands down.

85. What is your most missed memory in middle school and/or high school?
theres so many. maybe seeing maria fall out of her chair in music in 7th grade. ive never laughed that hard in my life.

86. Who was your favorite teacher in middle/high school?
steph bice byyyy far.

87. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent?
maybe like ah day

I know I write about movies that I think are great in here ever so often but I mean it when I say this: Into the Wild was the best movie I think I've ever seen....ever. Don't get me wrong,  I fucking love forest gump and my girl with my heart and soul and I thought they'd be my number one's until the day I died, but I'm pretty sure into the wild took their place. Honestly, see that shit. Its a perfect movie.

Some Advice:

If your thinking "hmm I think I'd like to indulge in a tastey bowl of quacker oat cereal with cinnamon" (even though I don't really know why that would be the first thing your craving, but whatever, you know what I'm saying) be sure that your sitting directly on a toilet when your eating it. I thought I'd be safe eating it for dinner, figuring that my body grew in strength over the many pleniful hours I've spent being awake and alive. I regret to say that I was not only wrong, but down right ignorant to believe such a thing. As soon as the first square of wheat entered my mouth I was 10 seconds away from shitting my pants. I had to set my mind to fear factor mode, eating the entire bowl though it hurt my bowls and made me sweat so much to do so. I've never felt like such a risk taker, and I'm lucky that I made it to the toilet. I just needed to warn anyone who thinks its legit to snack on in a science class, at work, before going on stage at a recital of sorts, because you will shit your pants. Theres just no way around it.

 In the past few minutes I've realized so much about the way I've been acting as of late. I'll get asked to hang out and I always say I'm all for it and then it never ends up happening and there is a reason for that. However, its not the reason that I feel I'm unintentionally conveying. The past few months I've been dishonest; and its not that I've lied, but I haven't really provided any reasons at all for my behavior. For the longest time I thought I was going through hard times, and while I guess that's somewhat of the case, I don't think the things that I've experienced are any more difficult than the situations that any other changing 20 year old experiences. This is such a pivotal age and its supposed to be confusing, your supposed to not know who you are or what you want to do. Shitty things happen, and being so young, its hard to know how to deal with them. I've spent so much time wasted on trying to be this perfect person. I've been so scared for people to get mad at me or to argue with anyone because I don't want to add more stress on my life or anyone else's life but because I've walked on eggshells, I feel like I've been holding back a lot. I don't know when I stopped trusting people to the point where I was so scared to hang out with anyone in fear that if they saw me upset or out of the ordinary, they would think that I'd changed in some awful way and they'd think I'm a downer.  I thought that if I could just stay away from the people that I really love being around when I'm unhappy that they could always just think about me in times where I was happier. And that....is pretty fucking stupid. I realized that it just seems like I don't want to hang out with anyone because I don't like them anymore, which is the farthest thing from the truth. I just want everyone that I consider a friend to know that I really care a lot about you, and that I'm sorry if I have come off like an asshole. I've been trying to be this independent person, and  I've learned that you can't do it all by yourself. I've been selfish to think that I can. If we are friends and if you know that we are friends and you happen to be reading this right now I just want you to know that I miss you, and I would like very much to see you again and have you be a part of my life, because I'm tired of shutting you out and not having you around. These are just some things that I needed to say, because I don't want to write some bullshit that I don't really mean anymore on here. This is the honest truth, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for basically being such a douche, I want to get back to seeing everyone on a regular basis, lets make it happen.

 I love those days where you wake up and you realize that you don't have to be unhappy anymore and that change was always as easy as it sounded, you just didn't see it or believe it before. Today was one of those days. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I feel like I'm ready to do some living.

 Anyone who hasn't seen the movie Sunshine yet needs to either rent or buy that shit on january 8th. It just might be one of the best movies I've ever seen. If you don't hold your breath through the last 20 minutes of the movie, you can't be human. Just sayin. Go see this shit.

I definitely have at least a small case of roid rage going on. And by "roid" I don't mean the prefix "stere" but rather "hemma."  I went to the bathroom today, and I don't think I even need to say what I did, but all I can say is that I just don't feel right about my ass as of the moment. I don't feel like I can sit right and be okay. 

I hate the show MADE on mtv. I mean I get sucked into it but I really don't like it. And even if you don't really care to hear it, I'm just going to say a few reasons why:
A) Every episode begins with doubters. Even if it's the most simple MADE task ever. For example, a tom-boy wants to be made into a girly-girl. They then interview people that don't think they can do it. I swear to god they hire these fucking people to say they can't do it. Slap some make-up on the girl on your fucking done, what do you mean "I don't think it'll ever happen, theres no way she can do it." You can tell they're reading off cue-cards. Then at the end of the episode they finally put make up on and all the doubters then get paid some extra money to say that they're so proud that they could do it. Dude, you were just saying it'll never happen at the beginning of the episode, then crying and saying your so glad it did at the end. I just don't trust these doubters.

B) Everyone on the show fills some sort of cliche' stereotype to a T, like they're from some made for TV movie on lifetime. No one is like that. NO ONE. 

C) I don't like thinking about how little money mtv put towards this retarded show, and how much money they're gaining from it because people like me, even when I hate it, will watch it.


What is wrong with tv and movies? Why do movies like Bewolf get released? Who was the guy that was like "yeah this looks exciting we should make this overly C.G.I.ed piece of shit into a movie" I want to shit on his doorstep. I don't think I've cared less about anything more in my entire life than Bewolf. If ever invited to see that movie, even if someone paid for it, I would politely and indifferently decline.

1. I've come to realize that, my ex:
Is a pretty solid person and that it makes me feel good to see that their happy.

2. I've come to realize that, I talk :
sooo much sometimes. I ramble on about nothing pretty much everytime I open up my mouth.

3. I've come to realize that, I love :
making people feel good about themselves and just generally being stoked for other people. that sounds so pagent I know, but its something i've been thinking about a lot lately. I think that when you've come to such a realization that you know your not a miserable person yourself.

4. I've come to realize that, I have:
some good thanggs going on in my life.

5. I've come to realize that, I lost : my attention span. I think its been gone for a long time, but I haven't been paying attention to the fact that I can't pay attention.


6. I've come to realize that, I hate it when :
People in my house cook beef stew when they know full well that the very smell of it makes me naucious. No but seriously though a) how do you eat that shit in the first place. and b) how could you be so selfish. Your taking my stomach and the want to eat (to do my favorite thing in the world) away from me just so you can eat something that tastes like absolute vommit. Unforgivable.

7. I've come to realize that, Marriage is :
bwahhahha. Lets just say I don't plan on making marriage happen.

8. I've come to realize that, somewhere, someone is thinking :
that tiffany better be on the rock of love reunion special.

9. I've come to realize that, I'll always be:
an extreamly weird person. haha like it just isn't going away, but i'm good with it.

10. I've come to realize that, I have (had) a crush on :
people that I don't make a lot of sense with

11. I've come to realize that, The last time I truly cried was:
about a week ago honestly haha. sometimes you just have to cry

12. I've come to realize that, My cell phone is:
attatched to my hip. ughh fucking text messaging. its so addicting.

13. I've come to realize that, When I wake up in the morning:
That I always say "just 5 more minutes" when I know full well those 5 minutes aren't doing shit for me.

14. I've come to realize that, Before I go to sleep at night I:
think like crazy. honestly, during the day when people need to think about whats going on, I don't think. then as soon as its okay to shut down and go to sleep, my mind goes to work. why can't I think when I need to is my question

15. I've come to realize that, Right now I am thinking about :
how much of a guilty pleasure the new paramore cd is

16. I've come to realize that, Babies are :
so cute when they laugh and they're calm and when they wear footy pajamas with attatched hoods and bear ears on the hoods as well as rain coats. yet so fucking scary when they look like they were born far too early with their with shruken heads. as soon as they start screaming and crying i'm over them pretty quick as well.

17. I've come to realize that, I get on myspace :
a lot less than I used to

18. I've come to realize that, Today I:
wasn't alive. this fucking cold took over my body. I slept all day and watched now and then and realized how much I want a crazy pete in my life to give me good and simple advice and to save me if I should ever fall into a sewer someday.

19. I've come to realize that, Tonight I will :
Well I'm currently in the "tonight" so I think its obvious what I'm doing.

20. I've come to realize that, Tomorrow I will :
work and go to a party with my grahhh

21. I've come to realize that, I really want to:
move out of rochester. It's not that I hate it here, I just really need something new.